Playing tennis against a wall
by Mondschaf
Summary: At first it seemed to Miss Mina Healstether that there were worse things than a position as court librarian in Uberwald: generous pay, tons of books, lots of free time, no men to stalk you. But then politics turn out to be contagious...
1. Chapter 1

Title: Playing tennis against a wall

Summary: At first it seemed to her that there were worse things than a position as court librarian in Uberwald: generous pay, tons of books, lots of free time, no men to stalk you. But when politics prove to be contagious, it turns out that her first day on the job is not quite what she expected.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Rating: T for language and a bit of violence. Not much, though, and mostly to be on the safe side.

Characters/Pairings: Miss M. Healstether; Lady Margolotta von Überwald; probably some cameos I can't be bothered to jot down now. No pairings.

Miss Healstether arrived late at night of the same day. She found the inn at second try, due to the rather annoying mist lazing in the deserted streets. The inn itself was not a breath more than she had expected – the locals eyed her with unveiled suspicion, whispering behind their hands; the tables were of uncouth wood and looked more like pre-civilizational architecture than furniture; and there was even the obligatory dark shadow looming in the inn's darkest corner, commanding the innkeeper around with nothing more than a wave of its hand.

Ordering a hot soup, she pulled out the scrap of newspaper she had neatly cut out the day before. It was a job advertisement. As a librarian.

"Nice piece o' paper ye got there, luv," said a drunk next to her, ogling the scrap. She sniffled disapprovingly. "Whut tisit?

"A job advertisement," she responded, regardless of how she instantly despised the man, and the fact that she strongly objected to being called 'luv'.

"O rly," he slurred. "So ye wanna work here, luv?"

Miss Healstether looked at him. "Initially, I wanted to, yes. But now that you put it like that, I'm having second thoughts."

"Well, I'm sure you'll do a great job. Pretty thing like you."

The young lady pursed her lips. She hated being given credit on the basis of looking good, or, even worse, of nothing more than merely existing; but that didn't stop her from feeling flattered nonetheless. "I have to get the job first," she pointed out. "The interview is tomorrow evening."

This seemed to sober the man up a bit, but the reason for this escaped her. "Say, luv, wha' kind o' job is 'at?"

"The description says that I will be in charge of the library, buying and arranging books, repairing and restoring books, making registers and whatnot…"

At this, a rather handsome young man at the neighbouring table looked up from the conversation with his friend he had been engrossed with. "If you don't mind me asking, Miss," he said politely, drawing his chair near, "exactly _who _issued this advertisement? Because as far as I know, we have only one public library here in Bonk, and Mr. Krims is doing an exceptional job, isn't he, Dave?"

His friend shrugged and emptied his mug of beer. "Dunno, never been there," he said and burped. Miss Healstether wrinkled her nose. "I think it is a private library, some… noblewoman." She smoothened the paper and carefully pronounced the name. "Lady Margolotta Amaya Katerina Assumpta Crassina von Überwald."

Lightning flashed, thunder crashed and Miss Healstether wrinkled her nose at the metaphorical rhyme. Weather really had a very bad taste in these parts, just like about everything, including people, furniture, and food. She really hoped that this Lady Margolotta had manners.

Meanwhile, the young man looked shocked, and his friend Dave and the drunk man had hastily performed some sort of ritual gesture on their foreheads, as if to shield off evil spirits. "Miss," the young man stuttered, "Miss, Miss, please, promise me you will not go there, not to her!"

"Why not?"

"She is _evil__,_" Dave said, and the drunk nodded fiercely. "They say she stopped drinking blood, yeh, but one does no' need to drink blood or impale people to be evil, nope, tha''s wha' I say. Yeh, drinkin' out o' cups and wearin' pink jumpers is what does it for me."

"You see, Miss, Lady Margolotta is a vampire," said the young man Miss Healstether now named Steve in thought because she was tired of not having a name for him.

"I'm sorry, isn't it custom _not _to tell me exactly _what _ she is? Frankly, it takes all the fun out of it."

"That wasn't the bad part," Dave said. "She kicked the habit, or so they say."

"Then I don't see a problem."

The villagers looked alarmed. "She is a vampire," Steve said very carefully. "Craving for blood is in her nature. You won't last five minutes, not a pretty thing like you." He lowered his voice. "The dungeons beneath the castle are deep, and sometimes, when the night is quiet, we can hear… noises coming from there." He whispered. "Noises that should be extinct, no longer be heard, like the things that make them. Dreadful things. Unholy things."

"Like what?"

"Can't tell you," said the drunk happily and waved for another beer. "They're pretty gory, though."

Steve ignored him. "Plus, she can kill people with a _thought__,_" he went on, his voice still barely audible. "She used to rip your throat out and have you impaled when she was really pissed, pardon my Zlobenian, but now, now... it's all politics and snazzy receptions, and laughs and drinks and whispers and looks from the corner of your eyes, and no one says what he thinks and no one thinks what he says... It's got complicated, and we don't understand complicated. Now, there's unfortunate fires, and mishaps when cutting wood, and dreadful coach accidents. Now, it's _civilized._"

Miss Healstether smiled detachedly. "That sounds terrible."

"Don't get me wrong, I'm all for civilization, wearing shoes and eating your meat only when it stopped kicking. But at least back when she had people impaled, you knew you had it coming."

"Ah," said Miss Healstether and yawned demonstratively. "Well, as pleasant as this little chat has been, it has got rather late, and if you don't mind I shall sleep over it. I suppose it would be too late anyway to commence my return to Ankh-Morpork today, so I will bid you good night, gentlemen." She rose, and looked down into empty faces. "That means I'll be going to sleep now, good night, you're all, uhm, jolly nice chaps?"

"Aaah."

Miss Healstether thought about Steve's words as she followed the innkeeper up the creaky stairs to her room. This Lady Margolotta seemed a lot like Lord Vetinari – unfortunate accidents, no, of course no governmental involvement, just plain unfortunate that the opposition could not afford horses that didn't jump off the next best cliff. And working for Vetinari... she shivered, but only lightly. She liked to think that she would like that; she'd heard that there were vast filing cabinets, tons of paper clips and spare time for the invention of, say, new ring binders. If Ladyship was anything like that, she thought just before she lay back on her pillows and closed her eyes, if Ladyship was anything like that... then Steve and Dave and Cleave stick their poles where the sun did not shine.

A/N: Alright, so there's the first chapter! Chances are that I will harass you with more chapters, unless you file a complaint against me for crimes against humanity. If you do, please let me know beforehand by clicking on the orange button below. If you do not, please click the orange button anyways. But joke aside, please read and review, let me know what you think, I am grateful for every opinion.


	2. Chapter 2

**Alright, so for my continued mental sanity I thought I ought to do something else than hang around on the BNC and COCA all day, so here goes the second chapter. I know the chapter is short, but so is the whole story. Please read and review anyway though :) Constructive criticism is always appreciated.**

A cosy living room, a grandfather clock in the corner, chiming as the steam rose and curled from the tea pot. Miss Healstether looked out of the window; the sun was setting in three, two, one –

"Ah, good evenink. You must be Miss... Vilhelmina Healstether?"

Miss Healstether turned and blinked in surprise. Pink jumper, carefully drawn lipstick and shoulder-length, chestnut brown hair, the lady before her looked less like any vampire she had ever seen – much more like, perhaps, someone who would offer you cookies and bake apple pies in her spare time.

"I am," she said, "you must be Lady Margolotta?"

The lady gestured to a chintz-covered armchair. "Can I offer you a cookie? I just made cookies. Vould you like a cookie?"

"Thank you, no," said Miss Healstether and crossed her legs. Lady Margolotta smiled, as if she had just passed a test.

"Szo, tzell me about yourself, Miss Healstether", Ladyship said conversationally, seating herself opposite of her and occupying herself by pouring the steaming tea into two porcelain cups with pink and baby blue flowers painted on them. Somehow, Mina found it hard to believe that anyone could talk with such a strong accent and not break his tongue at least twice - but somehow, Lady Margolotta seemed to manage just perfectly. "Vot is your favourite colour?"

Mina blinked in surprise; sure, she had heard that nobility tended to have ridiculous selection criteria, but she never would have dreamed that _colours _would actually be among them. Then again, it probably just was the countess being conversational. "Black." She wrinkled her nose as Lady Margolotta lit a cigarette. "What about yours?"

"Oh, I vould say... pink, maybe. Or turquoise, it really depends on vot sort of day I'm havink. – Are you szure about the cookies? I've been told zey are very good."

"Thank you."

"Really?"

"_No._"

Lady Margolotta smiled, instead of looking offended. "Do you like attention, Miss Healstether?"

"I like to attract it, but not to have it," Mina said, now slowly growing suspicious. It seemed to her that Lady Margolotta was playing a game, because there was no way in hell that this incredibly naïve person vis-à-vis who kept offering her cookies was the same Lady Margolotta Dave, Steve and Cleave (or whatever his name was) had described to her just last night. She _had _to be playing at something, only that Mina wasn't sure what the aim was. "What about you?"

Ladyship pretended not to have heard the question. "So, and you say in your application zat you like... books. Seems zu me zat you should be made for zis position as a librarian. Can you give me some references?"

"I worked for the Young Ladies' Association in Quirm for two years," she said, her mind stirring. "Before that, I was assistant librarian at the Philosophical Institute of Ankh-Morpork, after I had spent three years working with Tells&Fontase as a secretary. They hated to let me go, as you can clearly see from the working certificate among the documents I sent you."

"Zat is very impressive, especially considerink vot you hear about Tells&Fontase. And vhat made you vant zu come here, zu zis... somevhat secluded spot?"

"I like to have my peace and quiet."

"Really." Lady Margolotta nodded solemnly. "Did I ask you vhezzer you vould like a cookie?"

Now Mina's patience was over. What sort of person was this Lady Margolotta? Eccentricity was all well and good with her, but the countess certainly didn't have the dignity or mannerisms nobility should have. So, even though she knew it might cost her the job or start her off on the wrong foot with Ladyship, she said, as politely as she could manage, "Madam, I find your continuous asking _extremely _irritating. I must ask you to refrain from doing so."

Instead of looking taken aback, Ladyship smiled like a stamp collector who had just found a particularly rare or beautiful stamp. She rose to her feet. "Miss Healstether, it vould be a _pleasure _zu have you vork for me," she said, extending her hand. "Payment vould be zirty Ankh-Morpork Dollars a month, including board and lodgink, of course. I know it might sound unusual for a vampire such as myself zu hire a librarian, but I find zat in zese days I have neither ze time nor ze patience zu concern myself viz my library in ze ekszent I used zu. Zere might, however, be some other... tasks I vould vish you to perform, tiny tasks and occasionally only, vhich vould not quite be in your line of duty, but vhich vould require your presence. Do ve have an agreement?"

Miss Healstether was too stunned to move. "That is it? You are hiring me, just like that? You didn't even ask whether I know how to bind a book!"

"I take it zat you vould have had brains enough not zu apply should you not know that," Ladyship said, lighting another cigarette. "Or at least zu figure it out before some... book-related accident happens to you."

"What sort of book-related accident?"

"Ze kind of accident that happens to people vho ask too many questions," Ladyship said, exhaling a stream of blue smoke. Despite the crackling log fire, Miss Healstether felt cold. "Now, please, do have a cookie."

And this time, Mina reached out and took one. They really were very good.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Sorry that it took me so long to update; I had meant to upload this chapter before I departed to regions of unsure availability of possibilities to recharge laptops (a.k.a. England), but then I found that there were some plot holes, which basically lead to me having to re-write the entire chapter.

Thanks go to aQuackone for beta-ing this fic. Sadly this was done before I did the changes, so all mistakes you can spot are entirely mine. If you hit any more plot holes along the way, you are invited to point them out to me and I will do everything I can to fix them, which is basically nothing.

Thanks also to everyone who reviewed so far. Twist – don't worry, you were right to mistrust Margolotta's accent. Linxcat – no, this is actually not the fic I mentioned, but if you'd like to read it you can PM me and we can sort it out. In the meantime, I hope you'll all enjoy reading (and review, obviously) the one at hand.

* * *

Mina had never been a person to believe in ghost stories. She had never believed that if you whistled inside a house, you summoned the devil, or that if, in the dead of night, you heard voices and talked back to them, they would first drive you mad and then kill you most horribly. She had always thought that those were stories to keep children in their beds at night and prevent them from behaving badly, of course with the minor side effect that you had to change the bed sheets every other day.

But that had been in Ankh-Morpork, where there was always a lantern or a torch shining in through your window, where there was no unexpected gust of wind to extinguish your candle and move the curtains of your bed as if someone were pacing up and down behind them, where you could actually tell where the screams you heard were coming from. That had been Ankh-Morpork – but this was Uberwald, and it played horror in a completely different league.

Mina pulled the covers a bit higher and didn't dare move as the wind – she _hoped _it was the wind – rattled at the iron-glass windows and puffed up the white, just slightly too long curtains, draping them over the antique furniture to then let them lazily fall back, sweeping over the floor like a dress. It was maybe thirty minutes ago that a fierce blow of wind had snuffed out the two candles she had left burning on the bedside tables, although it had not been strong enough to blast open the windows as she had feared it would; but it had drenched her in a complete darkness she had never experienced before. There were no stars, no moon shining in through the windows, no light creeping in under the door.

But what frightened her most of all, more than the wind, the darkness, the shadows, were the _sounds._

There were sounds. Horrible sounds, sounds of which she could not tell what they were, or who caused them, or if what caused them was even human; sounds just at the brink of her perception, so faint she could not tell whether they were really there or whether they were just a figment of her overly excited imagination – which just made them all the worse.

Hours passed this way; hours in which she did not dare stir, close an eye or even blink. She kept staring into the shadows, as if, by doing so, making it impossible for anything to appear out of them. She knew she was being silly; from what she had gathered from the locals' talk, Lady Margolotta was the ultimate threat in these parts, and she really hadn't seemed all that bad. With her pink costume, the pearls and the ridiculously strong accent, Mina was having a hard time believing she actually knew of any methods of execution other than death by cookies. It was far from her to think of the countess as dense or even stupid; but the fact that she could not take a 'no' for a 'no', and also that her mental capacities were obviously not developed enough to be able to control her accent was, to Mina, about as frightening as a flock of sheep. It might turn out to be very hard to be _less _of a threat than Lady Margolotta.

But there were the sounds the drunk had mentioned, weren't there, and, as silly as it had sounded when she was sitting in the company of three strongly built, albeit not too intelligent men, drinking hot soup and watching at least three candles before her burn down calmly, they were scaring her witless now. More than once she had contemplated getting up, lighting a candle and ringing for a servant or simply wandering off on her own, in search for human life or, if nothing better would do, Lady Margolotta; and more than once had she cast the idea away and told herself not to be silly, not to be a girl, not to be a chicken. For crying out loud, she was a born-and-raised Morporkian – if there was anything here, then sure as hell it should be afraid of _her, _not the other way around.

Something cracked outside on the corridor, and Mina could all but stifle a scream, digging her nails into the pillow. _Holy hell, she wasn't made for this!_ She was made for pushing papers around, making coffee and binding books, for filing and categorizing, and not for strange sounds in the dead of night.

Sounds that were coming nearer.

Petrified with terror, she lay completely still as she heard as the handle of the door was pushed down and, with a fearsome creak, the door swung open. Shuffling steps came into the room, paused, came nearer, reached for the curtains –

With an aim and a presence of mind that astounded even her, she grabbed her pillow and, producing a war-cry that would have been rated 'fearsome' by at least twenty-four out of twenty-five aboriginal tribes in Rimward Klatch, walloped the intruder so hard around the head that a shower of feathers went down all over the bed.

"Augh!"

"Get back!" she cried, grabbing a three-armed chandelier from her nightstand, intent on using it as club as the person staggered back, dropping the candle he had been carrying. "Get back, or I will hit you so hard your grandfather's going to feel it!"

The person – _creature, _Mina corrected herself in a strange mixture of fascination and horror – the creature rubbed its head, causing some things that looked an awful lot like patches of dead skin to fall off. In the unsteady light of the flame of the candle licking up at the curtains, she could see that its entire face and hands were covered in hideous scars and that its eyes were staring into different directions. Mina backed away.

"Well, of courthe he will feel it, it ith hith head after all!"

"I – what?" Miss Healstether paused confusedly, but only for a moment. She had grown up in Ankh-Morpork, and she knew a distraction when she saw one. And even though she had grown up in Ankh-Morpork and therefore knew that it was _always _a bad idea to call for help, she raised her voice, since some part of her brain had conveniently pointed out to her that flames from the candle were now not only eating the curtains, but the wooden framework, too. "Help! Anyone? Fire! – Oh, don't you _dare _move, you, you... what the hell _are _you?"

Rapid steps were approaching outside on the corridor, and then the door burst open and admitted an irritated Lady Margolotta, black cloak billowing from her shoulders. The mere expression on her face would have sent the twenty-five aboriginal tribes running for cover. Seeing the scene, she stopped, rooted to the spot, hands on hips, lips pursed. "Would someone care to explain what in the name of hell and damnation is going on here?"

Miss Healstether blinked; there seemed something... different about Lady Margolotta than when she had talked to her this afternoon, something that made her want to revise her opinion of Ladyship's fearsomeness-levels _really quickly._ However, her mouth was faster than her brain; she pointed an accusing finger at the intruder. "This... _thing _attacked me!"

Lady Margolotta gave her a look that should have severed her head and several limbs cleanly from her body, and snapped her fingers. The flames vanished into a puff of smoke. "That is Igor, my _butler,_" she said, as if talking to a five year-old that had been misbehaving. "I am fully aware that his appearance might be a tad ...startling when seen for the first time, and yes, perhaps I should have introduced him formally before sending him to wake you up, but I hardly think that is reason enough for wanting to beat him to death with a candle stick, do you? – Of course," she carried on as Mina remained in embarrassed silence, her tone dripping with a kind of sarcasm that made it impossible for Mina to tell whether her words _were _sarcastic or a genuine offer, "I will trust your judgement if you _do, _but just do me the favour and take one that is actually _meant _for that purpose. I have an assortment if you like, and I'm sure Igor will be of assistance in choosing the best spots."

The thing – Igor – nodded eagerly. "The neck ith a very good thpot", he lisped, so fast Mina could hardly distinguish the jumbled-up syllables. "A clean blow will fracture the thpine and kill immediately. Ecththellent if you are in a hurry, leth tho if your aim ith to drag it out over dayth, in which cathe I would recommend thtarting with the ecthtremitieth ath to not indthure any vital organth..." His voice faded away as Lady Margolotta, seeing Mina's expression, silenced him with a curt gesture.

"I think he will get back to you. Right now I would be most obliged if you could find it in you to get dressed and join me downstairs in the coach in, say, two minutes? I'm afraid I am running a bit short on time."(1)

Mina glanced out of the window. There were many things darker than the night in Ankh-Morpork (some polar bears among them), but the few inches of sky she could see through the iron-glass could have outclassed a black hole. "Now? It is the middle of the night!"

Lady Margolotta faltered, already halfway out the door. Even though Mina could not see her face, she knew that right now, it took all of Lady Margolotta's considerable amount of self-control not to turn around and _make _her do as she wished. "Did I not tell you that sometimes you would have to perform some... little task that was not quite in your line of duty?"

"Well, yes, but not at this ungodly hour!"

"What hours do you expect vampires to be about other than ungodly ones?"

"That was not our agreement! You didn't say that!"

Igor moved his mouth silently to the words Lady Margolotta spoke, as if he knew them by heart. One of his eyes was resting maliciously on Mina. "I'm quite certain I did," the vampire said, now turning to face her in full. Her black eyes had something, the glint perhaps, of a panther ready to pounce. Her fangs, previously barely noticeable, had now clearly lengthened and shimmered a pearly white in the candle light. Mina backed away and grasped the chandelier more tightly.

"You did not!"

"I could have sworn I did."

"Not a word! And if you're going to be like this, then..." Mina hesitated. Then what? "...I'm going to quit!"

Lady Margolotta's laugh filled the room as she reached out and took the chandelier from Mina's hand as if from a toddler's. "Do you think this is a job you can just quit, like working at a bar?" She laughed again, silently this time, as she tipped Mina's chin with her finger. Even though the touch was light, barely more than a bat's wings brushing her skin, there was no way in heaven or earth she could have resisted it as Lady Margolotta led her from the bed and nudged her in direction of the folding screen. "No one has ever _quit _any job I gave them, Mina, nor will anyone ever. You see, I like to part on good terms with everyone; they usually do not even know when they are, how should I say, quitted. Now, you can trust me when I say that I have means of making you do as I wish; but it would be far more pleasant for both of us if I did not find myself forced to surrender to such... measures. You will find that I – metaphorically speaking only, of course – am not inhuman; I can give you plenty of spare time to catch up on your precious beauty sleep; generous pay, safety for your family and friends, and the materials you wish for the invention of, say, new ring binders or the like _en masse_. Or, but that would be entirely your choice, I could _not _and you still would be dragged out of your bed in the middle of the night. It is your choice." She turned to exit the room, her cloak flapping like giant bats' wings behind her. "I will await you in the coach, Miss Healstether."

* * *

It had turned out that Lady Margolotta kept her word when she said Mina would get more than enough spare time; but the two days until then turned out to be the worst of Mina's life. They had returned to the castle only minutes before sunrise – apparently Ladyship liked to cut it close. Mina had spent the better part of the coach ride sleeping; it was not like there was anything much to look at, or like Ladyship was good for any sort of conversation that did not involve deceiving/manipulating/threatening/cookies. She had just sat there for the entire ride, not even glancing up at her every now and then, but completely engrossed with documents in hardback covers, letters on stiff paper and all sorts of sticky notes. Mina began to think that she had forgotten all about her when, after what seemed like hours to her, the coach finally approached a large and fairly well illuminated townhouse and slowed down. Ladyship quickly stacked her papers together; she had got rid of her black cloak and dress and instead, once again, looked like the woman who would be more prone to offering you cookies and rolling your socks into cute little balls than to striving for world domination.

"Where are we going?" Mina finally found the courage to ask. Ladyship brushed her with a brief glance; despite her repeated change of appearance, she did not bother putting on the fake accent again.

"You will soon find out. What is important is that you talk to no one, absolutely no one. You understand? Even if they should offer you drinks, or ask to take your coat, you will say nothing. It is vital that you look as if you should be there. You are not a guest here; this is _your _house. Do you understand?"

"You want me to behave as if I owned the place, and treat everyone else like they are scum?"

"Yes."

Mina gnawed her lip. She didn't like this. She didn't enjoy treating people like scum, or like the ignorants they were.

"...in short, just behave like you usually do," Ladyship said, putting her papers aside, and undoing the latch of the door to descend the steps before Mina could even get up. "If you please, Madam," she said, offering her hand.

Mina was flabbergasted. She certainly did _not _treat people like they were scum. It was just not _done_. Admittedly, they were stupid, alright, and judging by the three men she had met the night before in the tavern, also highly uncivilized, but it wasn't like that was _their _fault. And even if she did – what of it? Goodness, it was her right to do so! After all, she could read and write and knew that an abacus was not a certain disease that made your butt cheeks fall off, and with her working for a countess – even if it was a countess like Lady Margolotta – that was better by all means than working for some upper-middle class family in Ankh-Morpork as someone whose job it was to stand in a corner and look pretty when she was not carrying glasses around and handing out snacks.

After all, it was not arrogance if you really _were _better.

And if Lady Margolotta thought she could just _boss _her around like that, she was _wrong._

Ignoring her outstretched hand, she descended the few rickety steps and strode over to the entrance, vaguely noticing that Lady Margolotta had shouldered a satchel and was trailing after her like a lost dog. She quickened her pace, strutting past the servant in livery, not giving him a single glance.

The entrance hall was empty and silent, save for Lady Margolotta's hushed mumbling to the servant about who they were. Not long after he had vanished through a side door – Mina had barely had the chance to inspect the busts of probably important people which were aligned at the walls of the circular hall – a man in a dark blue frock coat half ran up to her and bowed breathlessly, trying not to fall while straightening his powdered wig. "Illustrious countess! Your Excellency! It is my most divine... I mean, _exhilarating_ pleasure to welcome you to our _humble _establishment..."

Mina wrinkled her nose. "And who would He be?"

The man paled, and bowed again, this time losing his wig. Luckily for him, he was too wound up to notice. "Forgive, most illustrious countess! I am Zimmermann, Johannes Zimmermann! Your Excellency had the kindness to converse with my humble self over the clacks?"

Mina sniffed, but didn't bother to correct his error. If Lady Margolotta wanted her to behave so arrogantly, then she should have thought about what the results would be _beforehand._ "And remind me, exactly _why _am I here?"

"Er, because your Excellency offered to mediate between Prince Heinrich of Zlobenia and Princess Deliah of Borogravia in matters concerning the Zlobenian-Borogravian war...? Your illustrious Excellency."

_Aw, sh..._ "Actually, I am not Countess von Uberwald."

Zimmermann looked as if he were about to have a heart attack – his face was redder than a lobster, but somehow, he managed to bow _again_. "Of course not, your Excellency! I most humbly beg your forgiveness, your Excellency, I forgot. It is self-understood that this affair will be treated with utmost confidentiality. Your Excellency are not even here. None of us is. This building doesn't even exist, and it certainly has not been purchased by your Excellency solely for this purpose."

"No, I mean... I am _not _her. Do you understand? I am her clerk."

"Oh. Yes, of course. I beg your forgiveness, I forgot, your Ex – Madam," he swiftly corrected himself. "Whenever you are ready. I am sure your... assistant will find adequate company with the Prince's and Princess's generals?"

"For the last time, man, I am _not _Lady Margolotta!"

"Of course not, Madam. Everything will be as we arranged. Shall we? His royal Highness is getting rather impatient, he travelled nearly four days to attend this meeting, and I do not think it is a wise idea to leave him alone for too long with the Princess, if you permit my saying so. Hugo, show Miss... Healstether to the drawing room, will you?"

Mina thought a very nasty word. Why wasn't Lady Margolotta interrupting this? Why wasn't she saying anything? Why was she – damn her eyes, why was she following Hugo? Leaving her here?

Her hands began to tremble, and cold sweat pearled on her forehead. Alright, alright, so take a deep breath. Lady Margolotta was trying to teach her a lesson. This whole thing _reeked _of rat, probably some crooked plan sprung from the countess' warped mind. They all probably were actors paid by her, none of them actually who they pretended to be. Even with her limited experience of politics, Mina knew that it would be foolish of Lady Margolotta to let _her _converse with heads of state, while she herself spent her time drinking tea and offering cookies to the seconds-in-command. No need to panic, therefore, actors were beneath her, intellectually as well as socially. No prince of Zlobenia, no princess of Borogravia. No national importance. So. There.

"Whenever your Excellency are ready, your Exce – Madam."

Mina straightened her posture and pursed her lips. "Lead the way."

"So, how did it go?"

"You are a very despicable person, and you know it!"

Lady Margolotta raised an eyebrow as the door fell shut behind Mina and the carriage set off with a soft jolt. "No matter with which syntactical structure I analyze your statement, it is in no way a response to my question."

"You made me sit in there for four hours straight, with that half-wit of a prince and nutcase of a princess, having me hear them shout and bicker and whine without ever getting anywhere! I hope you pay them well?"

"You think they are actors?" Lady Margolotta laughed. "Oh, no, they were real. Very real indeed."

Mina's heart missed a beat. "Are you serious?"

"We von Überwalds are not exactly known for our sense of humour. At least not the kind other people find funny, too."

"So when I called the prince a player..."

"... then let's hope it could be understood metaphorically, yes," Ladyship said, opening a document and paging through it. "Did you make them sign anything?"

"Of course not! I thought they were impostors!"

"Good."

"That is _it?_ 'Good'?"

Lady Margolotta closed the file on her lap she had been reading in. "I wish you would pay more attention when I speak, Miss Healstether," she said in a slightly reprimanding tone. "As you should have by now gathered from own experience, vocal statements can be denied, especially ones made in a secluded room with no witnesses and one third of the audience is a nutcase. Signatures on the other hand... signatures are difficult to reverse. Very difficult. Of course... _twisting _what has been said is at times frowned upon, but it is all for the greater good, am I right? There is always more than one version of the story."

Mina snorted. "Of course, for the greater good. Why did _you_ not go in there and manipulate them into signing your treaty like you manipulated me into going in there? And don't try to talk yourself out of it – I know you got exactly what you wanted."

The vampire pouted, but in a very vampish way – it looked dangerous _and _attractive. "Oh, you are no _fun._ I was going to deny it, you know. – You did the talking, I did the signing."

"You what?"

"Contrary to popular belief, it is actually easier to trick an honest, intelligent man into doing something very stupid than trying the same thing with a, as you so aptly put it, half-wit like the prince, because, you see, stupidity recognizes its kin."

"I don't understand."

"The generals – one of which is, in fact, Prince Heinrich's brother, Prince Gustav – with whom I had a wonderful chat just now... they are not used to committing errors, that is why they are where they are. But that means they read often, and a lot, and therefore read fast. You yourself must know how it is with fast reading – you tend to miss things, small things, such as commas or dashes, the unimportant things which are obvious and self-understood within context. Now, if a treaty says, 'Borogravians are not allowed to massacre Zlobenians,' Prince Gustav will think: 'Jolly good, they are not allowed to use violence against us. That is good,' when it is in fact not, because the Zlobenians are winning the war and what he missed is the little, but oh so important 'and vice versa' in the footnote. Prince Heinrich now, on the other hand, thinks with his brawn. He is the kind to use his finger when he reads, and that finger point him directly to the 'vice versa'. He does not like it, therefore he does not sign the treaty." Ladyship paused to light a cigarette. "The same thing goes for the Borogravian general, and Princess Deliah who, being a woman, according to Borogravian law, does not have the authority to sign anything until she is made Duchess, which is not anytime in near future. In the meantime, each general thinks to himself that they will probably never reach an agreement anyway, whereas the treaty I am so naïvely presenting to them is only a temporary one – an opportunity to be seized. And so, while you are watching Prince Heinrich fight with Princess Deliah as Lady Margolotta, I, in the room adjoining, pretending to be _you,_ am persuaded to show them the treaties you, or rather, I, have so carefully prepared. Five different treaties, a simple distraction by a candle flaming just high enough to briefly scorch the curtains, a sleight of hand – and there you go, peace for Zlobenia and Borogravia."

Mina was left slack-jawed. "Don't there need to be witnesses for such a thing?"

"But there were witnesses. Igor, Igor, Igor and Igor. Money can buy anything – or, in this case, rubber boots and a set of fire-proof lab coats."

"You..."

Lady Margolotta waved. "I what? Manipulative bitch?"

"I was going to say 'Vetinarian', but that's describing it pretty accurately."

Lady Margolotta laughed. "I really wouldn't know why you would call me that."

"How do you mean – what you did was genius! How you tricked them into peace..."

"Oh, I did not do anything, my dear. Remember, we are not even here; we were, in fact, visiting my aunt Lady Lucilla at the other side of the town of Versach. Poor old woman, her mind is... failing her, to put it nicely, which is why she will not remember anything about our visit; however, we did have a wonderful conversation about music and the advantages and disadvantages of embroidering cushions with human guts." Lady Margolotta's teeth sparkled in the darkness as she smiled at Mina. "But you must be very tired. It should be no surprise, considering what a tiresome day you have had, followed by a sleepless night. I know only too well how frightening the castle can be at night, and I understand fully that you were scared, for which I am very sorry."

"I was certainly not scared! In fact, I slept very well," Mina protested, but was cut off by an irresistible urge to yawn that gave the lie to her. Before she knew, her eyelids were beginning to droop, her head growing heavier and heavier...

Igor slid the driver's flap back ten minutes later. "Ith the athleep, mithtreth?"

His mistress looked up from the documents she was reading. "Yes, Igor, if you would please have her carried up to her rooms when we arrive. I'm afraid she will be in need of a solid eight hours of sleep at least."

"Are you ecthpecting vithitorth, mithtreth?"

"Well, not _expecting per se..._ more, hm, awaiting. We should prepare for a one very angry Zlobenian Prince and general, a one slightly less angry Borogravian ambassador and an entirely random group of ex-transvestite female Borogravian and probably less random, less female Zlobenian soldiers." She looked at Miss Healstether pensively. "And it would be such a _terrible_ shame if the Lady Margolotta were not up and about to witness this joyous gathering, wouldn't it?"

* * *

(1) In other words, already two hours late.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: A new day, a new week (almost a new month), a new chapter. Only one more to go after this one, and I am very sorry to disappoint everyone who is waiting for Vetinari's grand entrance – it simply won't happen. Margolotta alone is already a handful to write, but her levels of magnificent bastardry multiplied by Vetinari's... good gods. You'll get an eensy weensy Vetinari-line in this chapter, though, but don't get your hopes up, it isn't that great.

Anyways, I hope that will not keep you from reading (AND reviewing) these last two chapters. Thanks again to everyone who reviewed so far, and also to those who _will _review. Enjoy.

* * *

Mina awoke with the terrible hunch of having overslept (the sum of all pillows flattened by her weight, multiplied by a head that felt like a giant acne, and a mouth that something with a lot of fur and a questionable concept of personal hygiene seemed to have slept in). Bright sunshine was beating against the heavy curtains, drenching the room in a nasty blackish red, not exactly making anything better.

Dragging herself to her feet and fighting a sudden flash of dizziness, she noticed a large box at the foot of her bed, a bit like a very large shoe box. A card with her name was written on it, full of flourishes.

_Wilhelmina,_

_Please accept my most sincere apologies for the fiasco I caused you to endure last night. As sign of my gratitude – and also of my guilty conscience – I have purchased you a gift; I hope you shall like it._

_Sincerely etc_

_Lady Margolotta Amaya Katerina Assumpta Crassina etc etc von Überwald_

Mina threw the card on the bed in carefully moderated disgust as last night's memories came tumbling in. Yeah, right, 'guilty conscience'. Lady Margolotta probably didn't even _have _a conscience, let alone a guilty one. But it would be so, so... _her, _wouldn't it_. _Step 1: Pretend you're likeable. Step 2: Manipulate people and piss them off in process. Step 3: Coax them into thinking you're likeable. Step 4: Repeat all over again.

But it was nice, wasn't it, that she at least made the effort to pretend she was likeable, because as she had said, she now basically owned Mina's life. And besides, presents were always welcome.

Mina turned her attention to the box now, picking it up and shaking it carefully. It couldn't be shoes, they would make a sound, and books – an all-time classic – would be a lot heavier, at least if they were quality books and not the cheap paperbacks you could buy at every corner and which dissolved into a soggy heap that reeked of wet dog at the slightest drizzle.

She carefully looked around and spotted a large portrait of a lady which vaguely resembled Lady Margolotta, only ten years younger, a small bat with a ridiculous little cap hanging from her hand. Yeah, I saw you, Mina thought cynically. Saw you right there watching me. Watching me and the expression on my face when I open this box and find nothing, or worse, something horrible such as –

– vast amounts of black silk, wrapped in the thinnest tissue paper. And on top of it, a diamond collier with matching earrings.

Mina glanced to the portrait, half expecting it to smirk. She was _sure _this was a trap, just like yesterday evening had been a trap. But contrary to popular belief, knowing there _was _a trap mostly didn't stop you from walking right into it.

She briskly walked over to the portrait and looked it in the eye. It was a painted eye, no doubt. A very much painted eye; she could see the strokes of the painter's brush. And the falcon – er, bat – was just hanging there, not moving an inch, as much artificial as Lady Margolotta's kindness.

Alright, so she probably wasn't being watched. Fine. So she'd been proven wrong. What of it?

She carefully pulled out the dress from the box and held it up against her body. It was a simple design, embroidered with silver thread only up the length of the left thigh, but the corset and stuffed backside promised one hell of an effect. Mina had seen far too many dresses not to know that less was sometimes more.

She glanced at her pocket watch; the hands said ten past three. So she already was six hours late; but no one seemed to be missing her, no one had come for her, and Ladyship seemed at least to be pretending to be in a lenient mood. She'd be in and out in a wink. No harm done in making it another five minutes, eh?

In a hurry, she stripped off her nightdress and slipped into the gown. The perfect fit briefly made Mina wonder how long Lady Margolotta had secretly been looking at her to find the exact size; but the question could not for long hold her attention when she saw herself in the mirror. The gown made her look slim where she should be slim, and enhanced certain parts that, in their natural form, lacked volume, and if she pulled down the sleeves a bit like _this _and stood a bit like _that, _then the collier could work its full magic...

Quick, shuffling steps approached on the corridor, and before Mina could disappear behind the screen or even get rid of the gown, the door was opened and admitted the hideous hunch-backed servant, Igor.

"Oh, good, you are drethed", he said with a malicious grin. Mina began to think that that was the only expression he had. "Mithtreth thayth you are to follow me."

Mina thought a nasty word. "Can I just – "

"Can you jutht what?" he asked, staring up at her, eyes in different directions, scars all over his face and teeth sticking horizontally out of his mouth. The librarian stared.

"Uhm, er... nothing?"

Igor waved to her impatiently and hobbled down the corridor before her while Mina silently cursed herself for putting on the dress. How _stupid _would she look in front of the countess, wearing _this_!

With another wave, Igor motioned her to enter the drawing room and quickly shut the door behind her. Contrary to anything Mina had imagined, the countess was not present.

About ten other people were, though.

"Countess!" One of the men – a general of the Zlobenian army – wearing a uniform with far more tresses and medals than could be healthy, jumped to his feet and saluted. Mina could tell from his tone that he was, nicely put, irate, as was the general from the opposing army. The bunch of young soldiers hovering somewhat insecurely by the fire place, however, seemed to be watching with interest – all except one, a young and rather dashing corporal, who was laughing himself to stitches.

And then it dawned on Mina what this was.

_Aw, sh..._

None of her 'guests' seemed to notice that she was desperately glancing over her shoulder, in hope against all probability that for some obscure reason, the countess would suddenly appear and clear the whole matter up.

"Countess, we have a complaint! About your – your… assistant!"

Mina smiled detachedly – it was all her face was capable of right now. "Really?"

"She made us sign a peace treaty!"

"And that is a bad thing because...?"

The Zlobenian general opened and closed his mouth like a fish, so the Borogravian butted in. "Because it was signed without our consent!"

"Really?"

"Yes!"

"Then why did you sign it?"

"She tricked us! She gave us a false contract to read and then had us sign a different one!"

"Really?"

"Yes!"

"We demand that it be annulled right now," the first general, back on his horse again, added.

Mina opened her mouth to ask, 'really?', but then faltered. "You 'demand'?"

The crowd froze, the only sound being the corporal in the background gasping for air. "We, er, were politely wondering whether it would be possible..."

"I'm afraid that might not be so easy; after all, there were witnesses. Igor among them, I believe?"

The guests exchanged glances. "Uhm, no, my lady. Only Igor, Igor, Igor and Igor."

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry. My bad."

Mina felt a slight tugging at the sleeve of her new dress. Glancing down, she perceived Igor staring up at her. She gave a start.

"Mithtreth, if you permit... I wath prethent, and I can tethtify that everything wath done according to protocol."

"You see, General, my hands are bound by this," she said, and hoped that it really was so. Her time at Tells&Fontase had really just consisted of making coffee and... of making coffee, full stop. "I'm afraid that you would have to undergo long and difficult legal procedures and would consequently draw the discontent of all major cities and countries of the disc, considering it has already been made public that both nations are intent on settling their claims peacefully. And being cut off from Uberwaldean resource supply and Ankh-Morporkian craftsmanship would be such a shame, wouldn't it?" Mina stopped talking, mostly because she suddenly realized that it weren't _her _words coming out of her mouth. They didn't sound like her, and they most _certainly _didn't sound like anything she could ever think of. It much more sounded like something, well, something Lady Margolotta would say, cynical tone included. "Now," she resumed, "if you would please excuse me, I have more interesting affairs to look after."

Mina turned away, but froze immediately. There were very few sounds more terrifying than the sound of metal scraping over metal, at least not if it was happening to _you,_ and not if you knew that the thing making the sound was a bloody large bloody sharp sword being unsheathed, and not if you knew that the guy holding it was very likely to put it in your back, and not if you knew that _you weren't a fucking vampire._

_Act. Act like you've never acted before._

_But... I don't know how to! I couldn't bluff to save my life!_

_But you are doing it all the time. All world's a stage. Just look at me; I lie _all the time.

Feeling slightly schizophrenic, Mina turned around again, the haughtiest look she was capable of on her face – which is quite an achievement when you find yourself with a sabre (a fucking _sharp _sabre, excuse the Klatchanian) to your throat. "I very much hope that you just did that because you intend to shave yourself, General," she said sharply and prayed that Lady Margolotta would speak to her again. "And even so, it would be terrible manners."

"You will revoke this contract."

"It is not in my power to revoke official contracts of national importance. If you look at it carefully, you will notice that I am nowhere mentioned. I have nothing to do with this."

"Then you helped to set it up?" the other general scoffed. Mina cursed herself.

"I have nothing to do with it."

"Your territory, your authority", he hissed, pulling his sword likewise. Cold sweat ran down Mina's back as she suddenly found herself faced by not one, but _two _pointy pieces of metal. "Revoke it _now, _or I will run this thing right through you."

"You do know that swords are no good against vampires, don't you?"

"I can try", he retorted, his eyes flashing with determination. "Do it."

Mina didn't blink. "No."

The General hissed and drew back his hand. Mina closed her eyes and waited for the blow, but it never came. She carefully reopened an eye.

"I'm afraid I can't let this happen," Lady Margolotta was saying conversationally – quite a sight, considering the blade of the sabre was piercing her hand. She took it from the General's hand like she had taken the chandelier from Mina's the night before. "Now, before we all get worked up about this little situation here, we will all sit down and have a nice cup of tea." She nodded to Igor. "Tea all around, Igor, and coffee for the Corporal. And some cookies, perhaps. Please, everyone, _sit._"

The entire group collapsed on their chairs, or, in some cases, the floor. Miss Healstether quietly went to sit in an armchair in a corner – not only because Lady Margolotta had told her to, but also because she felt that her knees would not support her for one second longer.

"Who the hell do you think you are to order us around like that?" one of the Generals snapped.

"Someone influential enough to cause you to _take _orders, obviously", she said calmly. "I am Margolotta Countess von Überwald."

All except the Corporal nervously glanced over to Mina, expecting her to protest. She only nodded.

"Now, who you _thought _was me, is actually Miss Mina (short for Wilhelmina) Isabella Healstether, and the reason why you will go from here putting your whole heart and soul into the realization of the treaty. You see, I'm almost _positive _there is some law on attacking civilians. Corporal Maladict...a?"

"Sergeant Läppli could suspend you right now from your duties, sir, according to §813b) of the Zlobenian Military Law, sir. Likewise could Sergeant Perks."

Lady Margolotta smiled toothily. "You see, Mr... I mean, _General,_ after all you still are General, aren't you, Prince even, it's been so long since the last revolution... that is not even the _bad _part. Do you want to know the bad part?"

The General, having paled considerably, nodded meekly, while his colleague from the opposing army tried to vanish in his chair.

"The _bad _part, General, is that you attacked and wounded a member of nobility of Uberwald. I do not want to sound arrogant or anything, but that is a serious offence. Not to mention that you _also _attacked a citizen of Ankh-Morpork. Now, I am not quite certain about how Lord Vetinari would react to this news, but I can assure you that Commander Vimes will not be too pleased at hearing that some bloke from world's ends thinks he can just get away with almost killing one of _his _city. And while yes, you can say that Commander Vimes is just Vetinari's bloodhound... the way I know them – and I daresay I know them well – a master is not always in control of his dog, especially if you irritate the dog, and even more so if the dog has been known to bite his master." She smiled again, and the crowd backed away a bit. "Now, I'm sure you are smart a man enough to know that it would be less than to be desired if either one of these two states decided to go to war against any of you. Alas, as hard as I try, I really cannot find any reason that might be able to persuade me to keep this little occurrence secret. Can you?"

Mina marvelled at her expression; it was the one of a primary school teacher who was just telling her least gifted pupil that she really_, _really_, really _needed his help in figuring out what one plus one was. And the General reacted just exactly like she had expected him to – disgruntled.

"...we will not try to annul the treaty," he mumbled.

"And instead you will do what...?"

"...we will put our hearts and souls into the realization, ma'am."

"Oh, very _good,_" Lady Margolotta purred. Mina half expected her to pat him on the head. "There's a good b – general. Now please, do have a cookie."

* * *

"You _planned _all this! You manipulated me!"

"Well, yes, of course. It would have been rather stupid just to sit there and hope."

"You could have told me! That guy could have killed me!"

"Calm down, you never were in any sort of _real _danger. I had everything under control."

"I could be traumatized for life!"

"My word. Now that would be a pity indeed. If you would like, you can take the rest of the day off; I hear there is a really good shrink in town, Joseph Siegfried Jugendlich. Retired, alas, but if you tell him you work for me I am sure he will make an exception."

Lady Margolotta watched as Miss Healstether flounced off toward her rooms to change. She knew that social convention was that she should feel miserable for manipulating her and using her as a tool like that, but truth was that she felt... nothing. A bit amused at her indignation, perhaps, but that was it. She remembered the first time she had succeeded in playing a game like this; there had been nothing like the rush of self-confidence and pride she felt after succeeding. But now... she shook her head and looked back out of the window over the dark-blue forests into the distance. The problem with addictions was that they were _addictions, _and not hobbies.

"You are still here," she said, after a while, "And yet not talking to me."

"I was trying to figure out how you manage to come up with these plans."

"It's like playing tennis against a wall. Please do not hang your legs over the armrest, will you?"

"It must be more exciting than that, surely?"

"No." Lady Margolotta turned around and eyed the young woman lounging in the armchair before her. "_Why _are you still here, Corporal?"

Maladicta shrugged. "I guess it's just been a while since we last talked. Really talked, not you harangued me."

"I cannot help it if you make it so easy."

Maladicta smirked and looked dashing. "So tell me, how hard did you have to hypnotize them to actually sign it?"

"I really do not know what you are talking about, Corporal."

"Come _on, _I know you too well for that."

"It is hardly my fault that they cannot read properly and cannot hold their drinks."

"You made them drunk?"

"Remember, Corporal, I was not there."

"Oh. Of course not. No."

There was a short silence in which Maladicta stepped up to join Ladyship in gazing out of the window. "You do know that there will be a problem if the Borogravian staff lets word get out? Ankh-Morpork will be forced to join on Borogravian side, as will Überwald. Zlobenia will be as good as, well, annulled."

"In that case, I will have to count on your solidarity and hope that you will this time work _with _me, not _against _me. That you too, want to see the end of this war, and not the end of Zlobenia. Imagine the consequences. For everyone."

"You mean, you will just deny everything?"

"Yes."

"And if Zlobenia _then _backs them up?"

"Then I will claim that they are only doing it because they want to breech the contract."

"You really think a lot of your authority, don't you?"

Lady Margolotta shrugged. "As a matter of fact, I do. But that is not why it will work. It will work because I know that Lord Vetinari wants to see the end of this, too."

Maladicta raised an eyebrow. "I see you thought this through well."

"As I said: playing tennis against a wall."

They stood in silence, overlooking the forest. The sun had set and the moon was glowing as a bright orange-red orb over the horizon; but despite its light, it was getting darker rapidly, and soon it took a vampire's highly developed night vision to see anything at all.

"I like your hair," Maladicta said after a while. "Since when do you dye it? Chestnut brown really suits you. And the dress."

"Yes, I thought it would make people more likely to eat the cookies."

Silence spread once again.

"I see you are wearing the boots I gave you," Lady Margolotta said, still staring straight ahead. "I'm glad you like them."

"Well, they are warm for winter. And they have a good profile while looking dashing at the same time."

The awkward silence resumed.

"So, uhm, I saw the reconstruction work you did in the vault..."

"Maladicta?"

"Yes, ma'am?"

"Get out."


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: So here goes the last chapter! A short one, alas, but that is not an excuse to not review it. Let me know what you think, of this chapter as well as of the whole story. Thanks again to everyone who commented etc. [Insert further irrelevant blah blah no one's going to read but which makes me feel better here]. Enjoy.**

**

* * *

**

There was a knock on the door. Lady Margolotta glanced up from her paperwork at the clock ticking away in the corner; it was nearly midnight. "Come," she said.

Miss Healstether peered around the corner. "You sent for me, Ladyship?"

"Please. Would you like something to drink? A cookie? They're chocolates today. With chunks."

Mina briefly closed her eyes. She had learned enough about Ladyship in the past two weeks to know that she would be smirking now and waiting for her to freak out about it. She opened them again, and took one from the plate on Ladyship's desk. "Why am I here?"

Lady Margolotta steepled her fingers. "You have been a very great help to me, Miss Healstether. Mina," she corrected herself and, choosing her words carefully, continued, "I might even say, a crucial help. Thanks to you and your initiative and intelligence, there is now peace at last between Zlobenia and Borogravia. Of course, no one knows how long it will last; but at least there is peace for Hogswatch. If they celebrated Hogswatch, at any rate." She took a deep breath. "And because you were such a great help, I decided that I will give you the choice – to leave, or to stay."

Mina looked at her incredulously. "You are sacking me?"

"Please do not misunderstand me. I would be very glad if you would stay. But I know that you might not feel the same way, and that is why I am giving you the option."

"So you are _not _sacking me."

"No. On the contrary, I would very much like you to stay. Never has my library looked this orderly."

"It's not going to be that easy, you know."

"Pardon?"

"Sacking me. You're not getting rid of me that easy." Mina wrinkled her nose. "I saw the book on reverse psychology you had lying around."

"Really."

"Yes. I'm staying."

"Oh dear." Lady Margolotta looked crestfallen. "And there is absolutely nothing I can do to make you change your mind?"

"Not a chance in hell. I'm staying, and that's final."

Lady Margolotta watched her strut out of the room, then carefully crumbled a cookie to feed it to the little bat hanging from a stand on her desk. A perceptive observer, lurking somewhere in the deep shadows cast by the unsteady ray of the candle's flickering flame, might have noticed the edges of her lips twitching, curling up into what might have been considered to be a smile, but the smile of someone who wasn't very experienced in the smiling-without-ulterior-motive-business. The Dark Lady was smiling, although she wasn't quite sure whether she should do that – or cry. The tragedy was that even if you showed people what two plus two was, they still could not figure out the result of four plus two, even though you had given them all the numbers they needed. But then again, she mused, tenderly stroking the bat's velvety wings and listening to its squeaked report with only half an ear, probably the fewest people expected to be manipulated by _reverse_ reverse psychology.


End file.
